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Thursday
Mar202014

PSST! I DID A THING! YOU SHOULD GO READ THE THING!

Things are still pretty freaky down here in the law mines, but I have bribed a passing pigeon to bring you this note from my cell.  Lesbian romance writer and generally swell person A.J. Adaire invited me to come to her website and talk too much about myself.  Can I pass up an offer like that?  I cannot.

The interview is here.  You should go and read it!  We touch on a number of subjects including bomb-making and nuclear survival.  Also girls who kiss, of course, because, well, come on.

So: yes.  Go hang out with AJ for a bit.  She is good people.  Go for the nuclear apocalypse, stay for the pie.

Monday
Jan272014

HER MAJESTY RESPONDS TO RUSSIAN HUMANITARIAN CRISIS

Hello, yes, this is Our Majesty the Queen, and one hopes that you have been substantially less naughty than usual.

One knows that we have a lot of fun here, but one would like to- what is it that the kids say?- “get real” for a brief while on the subject of the situation in Sochi.

One was tuning in today to the BBC when one heard news which made one clutch desperately for one's pearls and shriek for the maid to come running with gin and sal volatile.  The Mayor of Sochi, Anatoly Pakhomov, reports that there are no gays in his city.

One is quite, quite sure that this news is correct and accurate in every particular, because the only other possibility is that a politician is lying, and surely such a thing could never occur.

Friends, friends, dear friends, one is sure you will join one in a moment of silent Anglican prayer for the poor, bereaved citizens of Sochi.  One has oneself known times of deprivation- there was the rationing during the Second War To Which America Showed Up Disgracefully Late, and there were the weeks during which Prince Harry was on one of his benders, during which one was hiding in the most remote of the royal linen closets, trying to avoid the media melee.  But never, never, never, has one had to endure the kind of dreadful privation, the brutal, wrenching want, that those brave Sochihans suffer as a daily reality.

Life without gays?  Life without music!  Life without stars!  How could they possibly cope?  How do they drag themselves through the weary days without the healing rainbow light of same-sex lovin’ or transgendered behaviour?  Heaven only knows what their parties are like and who looks after their homeless kittens.

One has rapidly assembled a crack team, liaised with the Red Cross to arrange an emergency airlift, and will be parachuting gay into the areas where it is needed the most.  If you have some extra gay to spare, please give generously.  The amount of gay you radiate whilst purchasing your morning cup of coffee could provide a family in Sochi with supplementary gay for over a week, rescuing them from the grey, conforming numbness of their heterosexual stupor.

Carry on.

Sunday
Jan052014

WE ARE NOT AMUSED

Hello, yes, this is Our Majesty the Queen, and one has just popped in to let you know that one is putting an end to all of these shenanigans and frivolity.

One is shocked that one’s enemies have stooped to such an unsportsmanlike strategy as assisting a known fugitive to escape royal custody.  As all properly bred ladies and gentlemen know, the polite way to conduct warfare is to dress up in bright red jackets and walk towards one’s enemies very slowly.

In any event, one has repossessed one’s lawyer, and one trusts that there shall be no recurrence of this in the future.  One shall put additional corgis on the mine exits just to be sure, and one had better not see you sneaking around nearby.  Surely you have things to do with your time other than gallivanting around talking about ladies’ private bits.  One trusts you shall not spend any more time on this website shall in no way attempt to access, electronically or otherwise, any subversive literature referenced therein which treats of lesbians upon the high seas or in nineteenth-century Austria.

One also wishes to inform you that one has targeted as the subject of one’s most severe royal displeasure the moderators at the so-called “Virtual Living Room” and the authors and readers who participated in this weekend’s “O Canada” spot-on.  One suspects that all of these individuals, despite their so-called “wit” and “charm” and “brilliance” and “extreme attractiveness to all who behold them” are in fact naughty beyond description.  One may have to take them in hand in the future.  One shall not warn you again.

Shoo.  All of you.  Off you go.  One means it.

 

Monday
Dec022013

OH, LOOK! IT IS AN EVENT! IT IS ME AT AN EVENT!

Goodness gracious, how audacious, whatever have we here?  Why, it is a virtual literature conference!  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?  You can talk to authors about books which have lesbians in them and you can get free books from authors and you can ask authors about their most embarrassing experiences involving latex and YOU CAN DO ALL THIS WITHOUT WEARING ANY PANTS AT ALL because it is all on the internet.

IS THIS NOT THE MOST SIGNIFICANT THING EVER?

Spot-On: "O Canada", Jan 3-5, 2014
Lesbian Fiction by Canadian authors

Many authors of fine lesbian fiction are actually Canadians and two Canadians, author Rebecca Swartz and Kathy Brodland, will co-host with the bookgeek a weekend where we celebrate those authors. And the authors graciously offered ebooks for a give-away!

Authors participating will be:

Anne Azel (Tides)
Liz Bugg (Calli Barnow mysteries)
Sarah Ettritch (Threaded Through Time)
Joan B. Flood (New Girl)
Lois Cloarec Hart (Broken Faith)
Benny Lawrence (Shell Game)
AJ Quinn (Hostage Moon, Show of Force)
Tracey Richardson (Last Salute)
Rebecca Swartz (Everything Pales in Comparison)

Join us at the virtual living room for a weekend full of good books and great authors: http://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/Virtuallivingroom/

 

Sign up, minions of darkness!  No real downside, what with the free books and the pantlessness.  I promise to be very tasteless indeed.  

Sunday
Nov102013

THE HELL IS WRONG WITH CHILDREN THESE DAYS?

The problem with violence on TV is not, as they tell us, that children are growing from ravening little monsters into ravening big monsters who lack the ability to function in society.  The problem is that it is getting so damn hard to scare children.

Case in point.  Halloween.  I am standing on Julia's porch next to a giant black widow spider we built together, artfully posed in attack position with its fangs raised and chittering.  Projected over the window we have supercloseup video footage of spiders hunting, so detailed that you can see the venom drip.  The porch is swathed in webs.  I am clad in an alligator suit- yes, I know that a certain amount of thematic unity is lost there, alligator hanging out next to a giant spider, but I had already built my costume when Julia came up with the spider theme and I didn't have the time to start over, what with my weekends being annexed by Her Majesty the Queen.  Whatever.  Nuts to thematic unity.  I had many sharp and pointy teeth and I was stalking around roaring for everything I was worth.  

Reaction on the part of the children?  Zip.  And I do not mean the moustachioed youngsters who would probably go straight from trick-or-treating to studying for their MBA.  I mean the tiny downy tykes.  They looked me square in the eye and shoved their treat bags under my nose as though they were terribly embarrassed by the whole situation.  Not one of them fled wailing, abandoning their bag of delicious candy for me to devour.  NOT ONE.

So obviously I will have to go for broke next year.  What concept is fresh enough to get past the defences of today's jaded youth?  Maybe pterodactyls dive-bombing down from overhead.  I will have to get started on some blueprints.